A balancing act: Past the Six Month Mark

It has been over six months now since my sister, Dara, had her aneurysm, and I call her each day to say hello. I realize she is suffering and that suffering isolates a person from friends and family. She is in a Torrance, California nursing home, which is near to her adopted home in Lomita. She moved to California five or six years ago

I visited Dara in early November because I was concerned about the level of care she was getting. I realized that nursing homes range in the amount of services they can provide, and though there are good people working at these institutions, levels of care often vary by individuals. My advocacy has helped her a bit, though the nursing home gets upset with me from time to time. I realize that many of the staff do their best and are overstaffed, but still, a sick person is bed-bound for over six months and is not receiving adequate care. It is a balancing act.

I am saddened with the overall care my sister receives. To give a snapshot, she was hospitalized at UCLA Harbor Medical Center, Torrance Memorial Hospital, Rancho Los Amigos, Providence Little Company of Mary from June 15 to September 10th before she was moved to her current long-term care nursing home in Torrance. The goal of her present place is to custodial care, which is to provide her with basic nursing home care: feeding, cleaning, and general comfort.

During these past six months, she has received no physical, occupational, or speech therapy, and she is not significantly improving.

Her neurosurgeon expected her to recover from the aneurysm within two weeks and there was great optimism after the surgery. She suffered from severe headaches, blurred vision, lack of motor skills, and the inability to walk. She suffers from those same symptoms today. She had been mostly bed-bound for six months and has not had any physical therapy to help her heal. The body tries to correct itself when it is active, and if it is immobile for any sort of time, it takes extra effort to get it jump started to rebuild muscle and functionality. A body in motion tends to stay in motion; a body that is inert, requires great initiative to get it moving again.

During these intervening months, I received good stories of people's progress. A boy, who also suffered from similar tragedy, received physical therapy from the start. He is recovering almost miraculously. A man in his 80's was moved to a skilled nursing home and, because the doctors thought he suffered from a stroke, received speech therapy, and he says that the therapy reversed a throat condition he had prior to the stroke. These are wonderful stories.

With those great stories, I hold it in tension with my sister's condition. Those two examples are from people who received immediate and sustained care, and that care worked. My sister, in contrast, has not received care, mostly because the insurance companies are waiting for doctor's orders. The longer my sister waits, the less she will be able to recover. The insurance companies, especially for the poor, do not want to pay for care or services, and they wear people down so that they give up.

The difference: my sister is poor. The insurance companies know that. The nursing home said it in so many words to me. My sister is not any different between the other patients in that center. It is simply two different systems: private health care will get you well; for those who cannot afford health care, they will not get well.

It makes it difficult to pray because I'm grateful for the good news the other patients received and I'm distraught and mostly powerless with regards to my sister's state.

Day after day, I call my sister. I advocate for her as best I can. I encourage her and express hope, which I still have. I pray each day. During Advent, I prayed that the lame would walk, the deaf would hear, the blind would see, and I asked specifically for my sister's healing. I asked for some noticeably sign that she was getting better. Now that we are in the Christmas season, I ask the Lord to touch her life, to heal her, and to give her hope.

Feelings: How to Rediscover our Feelings

These are my notes for class tomorrow. It is from a book called Rediscovering the Lost-Body Connection.

Rediscovering the Lost Body Connection

Chapter 1: Why pay attention to feelings?

The Hawk Story – California’s little lake

            Invisible currents that carry grace. Upward spirals.

Each of us has an inner world and a universe of unexplored possibilities.

One has to lead the other to that current of grace.

An unrecognized capacity waiting to be found. We exist as part of something greater, and our bodies want to connect with it.

Six Fundamentals of Body Knowing and Learning

Most people do not recognize when their feelings rise up because they are too preoccupied with instantly reacting to them – especially when the situations are difficulty, scary, or lonely.

These six steps will give you a body sense for how you carry your feelings in your body.

1.     We all have feelings. Much of our ability to know comes from our body’s ability to know, rather than the mind’s capacity to think. We restrict our knowledge because we do not pay attention to what our body tells us. We have to learn to listen to them.

2.     Every physical sport or activity knows that we learn from the body feel of doing something correctly. A nice golf swing confirms a good drive. An athlete learns from directly entering into the process of learning from inside their bodies. We know it in the bones.

3.     The body’s way of felt-knowing is different from thinking, analyzing, or reasoning. The body senses a relational whole of a situation or experience, embracing the entire web of complex linking and connecting. We have two complementary ways of knowing. We have to learn to use both together in a balance interacting practice.

4.     Greeks had five different kinds of knowledge: scientific knowing, wisdom, opinion, faith, and gnosis. Only scientific knowing relied only on the mind; the rest depended upon the two parts interacting together. These are: hunch, intuition, creativity, inspiration, revelation, and wisdom that comes from experience.

Wisdom expresses far more than information. Solomon, who asked the Lord for wisdom, drew upon a deeper knowing, something beyond logic and law, analysis, reason, and hard-thinking. The body speaks the truth when your mind cannot even begin thinking about what to do or say.

5.     Everyday feelings, emotions, and physical sensations represent the first step. All feelings, whether positive or negative, express an important part of body intelligence because they introduce you to deeper felt meanings.

6.     Most don’t realize how values, basic human goodness, and a positive sense of self are learned and acquired through our body. It arrives through our body’s ability to become aware of innumerable connections. It also knows that each of us is part of a greater whole.

Developing Habits.

Feelings are like a ringing phone. A message is trying to get through. They alert us that some information is waiting for us. Yet, when the feelings-phone rings, we are in a habit of blocking them. Sometimes people escape, numb, avoid, or substitute something they enjoy in place of what they perceive as fearful or a hurting attack.

There is a difference between owning and processing one’s feelings versus acting them out in a destructive way that demands intervention. Learning the habit of noticing and nurturing important feelings is the first step toward processing destructive feelings.

The growth moment is when a person can process one’s feelings that allows the inner felt meaning to unfold and to be heard. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They simply happen. Acting out destructively harms the self and others. There is another way forward.

Invite people to listen to their important feelings.

             By noticing important feelings and to learn how to care for them, a person can embark upon a discovery trip inside themselves. Feelings can express themselves like stories in a book when more pages can be turned, and new discoveries are made. We have to notice and nurture these positive feelings. It motivates learning and results in a development of a lifelong learning.

            We can develop a patient, listening, and caring attitude toward how our bodies carry feelings, especially when there is a lot unreconciled within us. Feelings need to be heard, then they change how we carry them. It frees us from the prison of old, stuck patterns that obstruct wholeness.

            Our bodies are teachers, not enemies. Experiencing this inner resource generates courage, self-confidence, and a creative human spirit. We can feel good about who we are, no matter what our feelings may be or what crisis may swirl around us. Feelings are only the tip of the iceberg and there is a deeper, richer story waiting beneath every feeling.

When Difficulties Arise

Dear friends,

Here are the notes from tonight's session. I have attached a note that will help us continue to move in this direction of compassionate communication.

Let me thank you for showing up each night. It has been a heart-warming experience for me and I'm filled with hope that we can, with the Lord's help, move toward more fulfilling communications that are meaningful and hope-filled.

Let's think about ways that we can continue this dialogue so we can build a community of support as we improve our ways of relating to one another safely.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Fr. Predmore

When Difficulties Arise

In difficult situations, there are ways to reconcile and to create openings for more compassionate communications.

Communicating when you are Angry

One reason we have trouble communicating is that we often try to do it when we are angry. We suffer and we don’t want to be alone with all that suffering. We are angry because of something someone did or said and we want them to know it - right away.

We are not lucid when we are angry. We can hold our anger, but we can express it in a compassionate and healthy way. Doing violence to our anger means hurting ourselves.

Remember to breathe. It helps us treat our anger tenderly, and it does not diminish our anger’s energy. Once your anger has settled, you can look at it to see its source. Anger may come from a wrong perception or a habitual way of responding to events (that we develop within our family of origin) that does not reflect your deepest values. We repeat the cycles we were taught, and we seldom grow out of them, which becomes the source of family disputes.

You have to genuinely get in touch with your anger in order to heal. This is what it means to pick up our cross. Suppressing anger is dangerous. We have to educate ourselves and take care of our anger. We return to ourselves, our places of calm, and become present to it. (The first statement.) You can communicate to the person who angered you that you are suffering: I suffer. Please help. (The fourth statement.) Once you calmly tell the person that you are suffering and that you want help, you can let them know you are doing your best to take care of your suffering. When you ask for help when you are angry, it tells the other person that you are suffering and not just angry. They will see that suffering causes the anger, and then communication and healing can begin. (Sometimes, it is difficult to do when the person is far away or will not even answer a letter, phone call, or the door.)

Helping Each Other Suffer Less

When we have a rift or estrangement from another person, we both suffer. We still care about the person because the pain is deeper. Our greatest suffering comes from those we care about most deeply. We try to avoid it and cover it up because we are afraid of the suffering inside of us. We can pretend it is not there, but it is a big block.

Our suffering demands to be understood. Mindfulness helps us embrace suffering. We sometimes do not want to be in the same room with a person because we will suffer. With awareness, you can understand your own suffering and the other person’s suffering. Sometimes the other person doesn’t know how to handle their suffering and it comes out sideways, and you are the victim. Maybe the person doesn’t know any other way to act. He can’t understand and transform his suffering, and he makes people around him suffer too. He needs help, not punishment.

You can acknowledge the person’s difficulty in the relationship. Without acknowledgement, we cannot generate understanding and compassion, and we feel alienated. We can’t help.

Use the tools of compassionate communication (the deep listening and loving speech.) Say something like this:

“I know you are not feeling too happy right now.”

“In the past I did not understand your feelings, so I reacted in a way that made you suffer more, and that also made me suffer more. I wasn’t able to help you resolve the problems. I reacted angrily in a way that has made the situation worse.”

“It is not my intention to make you suffer. It is because I did not understand your suffering, and I did not understand my suffering either.”

“I understand my difficult feelings better now, and I also want to understand yours. Understanding your suffering, your difficulties will help me behave in a way that can be more helpful.”

“If you care for me, help me understand.”

“Tell me what is in your heart. I want to listen; I want to understand. Tell me about your suffering and your difficulties. If you don’t help me understand, who will?”

The words have to be your own. Ignatius tells people to pray for courage and energy. When you have the energy of compassion in your heart, your loving words will come to you naturally. When you are angry, it is nearly impossible to use loving speech. When understanding arises, compassion comes, and you can use loving speech without making much effort.

It takes courage to acknowledge difficulty in a relationship. You might think the other person will come to you eventually, but that may not happen. You can’t wait. Begin restoring communication by modeling open-hearted, compassionate dialogue.

The Suffering of Pride

A wrong perception can cause a lot of suffering. We live with some misperception and misunderstanding every day. We have to look into the nature of our perceptions. “Are you sure your perception is right?” Mindful communication has the potential to ease unnecessary suffering.

Reconciling in Families

Sometimes communication is hardest in our families because we share similar suffering and ways of responding to suffering. Our habit of dealing with our suffering is passed along to us by our parents and grandparents. Unless you understand your own suffering and reconcile with yourself, you will pass along your unhealthy ways of responding. You inherit the suffering of your parents. If your parent had a lot of suffering and was unable to handle and transform the suffering, it was most likely passed down to you. You are the continuation of your parents.

Mindfulness recognizes the energy that we put into our habitual responses (our immediate learned response to conflict) each time it arises, and you can embrace it with mindfulness, and then the habit energy is weakened. If we continue this, we can stop the cycle of transmission.

The suffering we received from our parents when we were children is probably our deepest suffering. We may even hate our parents, and whether they are still living or not, we will never reconcile with them. Mindfulness transforms and restores communication. The good news is reconciliation is possible.

Relationships with parents and siblings can be particularly difficult. Maybe there were deep wounds, and no one listened to them. Mindful communication can restore a relationship and allow one another to acknowledge one’s own and each other’s suffering.

A practice of breathing, walking, mindfulness in daily activities can help you return to yourself and learn how you feel. Listen to your own suffering and look deeply into its nature. This is crucial. Compassion arises and you can accept yourself. Then you have a chance to look at others. When you see the suffering in others, you begin to understand that there is a reason they suffer like that. You are no longer angry with them anymore because compassion arises. You become more peaceful, your mind is clearer, and you are motivated to say or do something to help others transform their difficulties. Reconciliation is possible.

Communicating in Long-term Relationships.

In long-term relationships, we think change is no longer possible. We think the other person should change and they won’t, and we give up hope. We have to stop judging. If we wait for the other to change, we will wait a long time. Therefore, it is better that we change.

Your partner’s behavior may irritate you, and you try to correct him, and he gets irritated and becomes unkind. You have to disentangle yourself from the unhappiness and go back to yourself, back to your peace, until you can handle the situation well.

Only when you are calm, invite your partner to speak. Apologize for not understanding her better, listen deeply even if what she says is complaining, reproachful, and unkind. You may learn that your partner has many wrong perceptions about you and the situation, but do not interrupt. Let her speak. Let her have a chance to speak out everything in her so she can feel listened and understood. When your partner speaks, breathe mindfully. Later on, you might have a chance to undo her misunderstanding. Little by little, in a skillful loving way, mutual understanding will grow.

Forget about truth. If your partner says something untrue, don’t interrupt and try to correct. He is trying to speak out his difficulty. Know that you have plenty of time. Perhaps you have been angry with one another for years and you have been stuck and you can’t change the situation. If you can understand your partner deeply, you can start to make peace. Loving, compassionate speech and deep listening are the powerful instruments for restoring communications.

Sometimes a negative environment doesn’t leave space for communication with ourselves. We have to feel safe and not vulnerable. Most times, people love each other and don’t try to intentionally hurt each other, and they don’t know how to communicate. If people need to divorce, they still suffer. You can’t take the other person out of you. The relationship still exists. The suffering continues.

           

The question is: can you focus on trying to understand each other using compassionate speech and deep listening, no matter what the outcome?

Mutual Understanding in Challenging Situations

Compassionate communication has the capacity to create mutual understanding and to make changes where people thought connection and communication impossible. It can transform situations where both parties are full of fear and anger.

One has to listen with deep compassion and not interrupt the person who is speaking about his or her suffering. If there are misperceptions, one is not to correct or interrupt. When one listens fully, the other can understand for the first time that the other person suffers, and it is much like their own. You can recognize the person as a human being just like them, who suffers similarly.

When you understand suffering, you feel compassion and suddenly you no longer fear or hate. They see acceptance in your eyes, and they suffer less. The fear that we both have is gone. When we are able to produce a compassionate thought, this thought begins to heal us, to heal the other, and to heal the world.

Peace Negotiations

When opposing parties come together to negotiate, they should not do it right away. Each group has a lot of doubt, anger, and fear, and negotiating is too much of a challenge when these strong emotions are present. The first part of negotiating should be about breathing, walking, sitting and calming. Then the groups may be ready to listen to each other and the desire and capacity for mutual understanding will be there.

Keeping it going

Every human communicates. We write, we speak. We also use facial expressions, our tone of voice, our physical actions, and the expression of our thoughts. A beautiful human can produce beautiful thoughts, speech, and actions. Every time we communicate, we produce more compassion, love, and harmony, or we produce more suffering and violence. It is what we leave as our legacy – what we express with our bodies, words, thoughts and intentions, and actions. You are what you do.

Thinking is already an action; it is a powerful energy. Every thought, every attitude will bring a fruit. Our speech is the second action and our bodily action is the third.

We are responsible for our thoughts, speech, and bodily actions. If I did something yesterday that was not right, I have the ability to change it today. We are creating all the time, and its effect is the outcome of our being.

Communication isn’t static. If we can’t change the past because someone has died, we can find a mindful way of bringing them into the community, asking for forgiveness, and making new resolutions.

We can produce a new thought. Today’s new thought may neutralize yesterday’s bad thought. Right communication today can help us heal the past, enjoy the present, and prepare the ground for a good future.

Practices for Compassionate Communication.

The phone or watch alarm

With so much automation, we can set a bell to remind us to breathe deeply three times before returning to our work.

Drinking Tea or Coffee

Make the time just to sit down, relax, and drink your tea or coffee. It does not have to be in front of a computer, on a phone, or texting. It is just you and the cup of coffee or tea.

Listening to your Inner Child

Be a parent to the inner child who is wounded. Speak tenderly to the child. Don’t run away from your suffering, but if you can comfort and console a young child, you have to skills to care for your own self in the same way.

Writing a Love Letter

Practice writing a compassionate letter to someone you love but pain separates you from this person. It is never too late to bring peace and healing to a relationship, even if the person is far away or deceased. You risk nothing by writing the letter. Perhaps later on, you might even want to send it.

Peace Treaties and Peace Notes

These two tools can help to heal anger and hurt in relationships. The Peace Treaty is a preventative tool, while the Peace Note aids in healing. You set the stage for a discussion and give it a few days before you meet to discuss the plans.

The Peace Treaty

Writing a Peace Letter

My dear,

I know you have suffered a lot over the past many years. I have not been able to help you – in fact, I have made the situation worse. It is not my intention to make you suffer. Maybe I’m not skillful enough. Maybe I tried to impose my ideas on you. In the past, I thought you made me suffer. Now I realize that I have been responsible for my own suffering.

I promise to do my best to refrain from saying things or doing things that make you suffer. Please tell me what is in your heart. You need to help me; otherwise it is not possible for me to do it. I can’t do it alone.

The Peace Treaty: The one who is angry

I, the one who is angry, agree to:

1.     Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate the anger.

2.     Not suppress my anger.

3.     Practice breathing and taking refuge deep within myself.

4.     Calmly, within twenty-four hours, tell the one who has made me angry about my anger and suffering, either verbally or by delivering a peace note.

5.     Ask for an appointment later in the week (e.g, Friday evening) to discuss the matter more thoroughly, either verbally or by peace note.

6.     Not say, “I am not angry. It is OK. I am not suffering. There is nothing to be angry about, at least not enough to make me angry.”

7.     Practice breathing and looking deeply into my daily life – while sitting, lying down, standing, and walking – to see:

a.     The ways I myself have been unskillful at times.

b.     How I have hurt the person because of my unreflective habit energy.

c.     How the strong seed of anger in me is the primary cause of my anger.

d.     How the other person’s suffering, which waters the seed of my anger, is the secondary cause.

e.     How the other person is only seeking relief from his or her own suffering.

f.      That as long as the other person suffers, I cannot truly be happy.

8.     Apologize immediately, without waiting until our appointment, as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.

9.     Postpone the meeting if I do not feel calm enough to meet with the other person.

A Peace Treaty: By the one who caused the anger

I, the one who has made the other angry, agree to:

1.     Respect the other person’s feelings, not ridicule him or her, and allow enough time for him or her to calm down.

2.     Not press for an immediate discussion.

3.     Confirm the other person’s request for a meeting, either verbally or by note, and assure him or her that I will be there.

4.     Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself to see how:

a.     I have seeds of unkindness and anger as well as unreflective habit energy to make the other person unhappy.

b.     I have mistakenly thought that making the other person suffer would relieve my own suffering.

c.     By making him or her suffer, I make myself suffer.

d.     Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and without waiting until the meeting.

A Peace Note

Date:

            Time:

            Dear ______________________,

            This morning/afternoon/yesterday, you said/did something that made me very angry. I suffered much. I want you to know this. You said/did: __________________________________

___________________________________________________.

            Please let us both look at what you said/did and examine the matter together in a calm and open manner this Friday evening.

            Yours, not very happy right now,

            ________-name-___________________

Sin, Mercy, and Friendship with God

Some Additional Comments

Sin

I would like us to examine our views on “sin.” In today’s world, many people think of sin in religious terms only or they don’t even know the word, but they do have a sense of right and wrong, good and bad. In our Catholic understanding, we have been taught that we are sinful people and God sent Jesus to redeem us. The Church taught us that we sin against God and others in many different ways, and we assembled lists that we bring into the confessional. We think of sin as something we did or did not do.

During the last century, we became aware of social sin or even national or international sin. These are enormous realities in which we feel we have little power to effect any change. For example, we may work for a corporation that invests in another company that has disreputable business practice that we consider wrong. How do we seek the sacrament of reconciliation? The complexity of our world has changed; our understanding of sinfulness is not that simple anymore.

Jesus says the sin comes from the attitudes that we hold. Sin comes from inside us, which is the reason we must always form and inform our consciences. Our understanding of sin has to mature. A contemporary way to define sin is to say that sin is a failure to even try to love another person. It is in the “not even bothering to care.” It is not about getting it right or wrong, missing the mark, not understanding enough; it is about not even bothering to care.

This definition can change the way we think and feel about ourselves. We have to see ourselves as people who are loved by God and as people who need to reconcile our relationship with God and others. God has already forgiven our sins – once and for all. It is time for us to live in the realm of the resurrection.

Video: Celebrating What’s Right with the World

Dewitt Jones, a former National Geographic Reporter, put together a film and TEDx talk called “Celebrating What’s Right with the World.” Sometimes we need to put on a fresh lens so we can see the beauty that is before us in the “here and now.” I recommend viewing at least one of these films because it mirrors a Jesuit, Catholic perspective on the world. The Spiritual Exercises help us to see and love the world the way God sees and loves the world.

http://celebratewhatsright.com/

http://celebratewhatsright.com/film

Mercy

Cardinal Walter Kasper writes in his book Mercy, “mercy is the best thing we can feel. It changes the world… it changes everything… makes the world feel less cold and more just.” Mercy means to enter into the suffering, the chaos, of another person. Pope Francis goes so far to say the Mercy is the name of God, and mercy is at the heart of all relationships.

Mercy is shown at the Incarnation (God chose to be with us) and at the Paschal Mystery (love is revealed in the depths of suffering.) The mission of Jesus was to reveal the mystery of God’s love in its fullness. God searches for us to give us mercy we do not deserve. Because of the Resurrection, the Holy Spirit allows us to face directly life’s problems and illnesses, our world’s wars and tragedies, and not to be overwhelmed by them, because nothing is outside the reach of the resurrection – even death itself.

Mercy is not just a response to human sin. It is, more generally, God’s tender and compassionate response to the human condition in all its complexity, brokenness, and beauty. Mercy is a love that creates, heals, reconciles, and makes all things whole.

The Church’s primary task is to introduce everyone to the great mystery of God’s mercy by contemplating the face of Christ. What we say and how we say it; our every word and gesture, out to express God’s compassion, tenderness, and forgiveness for all.

As we give mercy, we are transformed by it. The church can be transformed by it. Mercy is God’s way of changing the world, transforming us. Mercy is the kingdom of heaven. We are merciful when we just show up for another person. We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to say anything. We just have to metaphorically hold the person in honor before us.

Friendship with God

Jesuits speak about our life with God as one of friendship. Our name means “The Company of Jesus,” that is, those who choose to be with him in friendship. This friendship develops in stages because we are not static and God is not static. We go through a period of infatuation, curiosity, discovery and play, further exploration, and then we come to a point of testing. We might have to reveal something to God that we fear God may not like. Once we reveal this fear to God, God typically responds with mercy and acceptance, and our bonds are strengthen. We learn to trust God more and more and we become more authentic in our interactions with God. We say what is on our minds more freely, we love God more freely, and we speak to one another as friends do.

God does not want us to suffer but to have the fullness of life. Our work as ‘friends in the Lord’ is to live more fully in that freedom and to receive and give mercy to ourselves so we can give it to others freely and generously. I invite you to begin to explore the nuances and depths of this relationship – for the salvation of your soul – and for your happiness today.