Dear friends,
Here are the notes from tonight's session. I have attached a note that will help us continue to move in this direction of compassionate communication.
Let me thank you for showing up each night. It has been a heart-warming experience for me and I'm filled with hope that we can, with the Lord's help, move toward more fulfilling communications that are meaningful and hope-filled.
Let's think about ways that we can continue this dialogue so we can build a community of support as we improve our ways of relating to one another safely.
Blessings on your Holy Week.
Fr. Predmore
When Difficulties Arise
In difficult situations, there are ways to reconcile and to create openings for more compassionate communications.
Communicating when you are Angry
One reason we have trouble communicating is that we often try to do it when we are angry. We suffer and we don’t want to be alone with all that suffering. We are angry because of something someone did or said and we want them to know it - right away.
We are not lucid when we are angry. We can hold our anger, but we can express it in a compassionate and healthy way. Doing violence to our anger means hurting ourselves.
Remember to breathe. It helps us treat our anger tenderly, and it does not diminish our anger’s energy. Once your anger has settled, you can look at it to see its source. Anger may come from a wrong perception or a habitual way of responding to events (that we develop within our family of origin) that does not reflect your deepest values. We repeat the cycles we were taught, and we seldom grow out of them, which becomes the source of family disputes.
You have to genuinely get in touch with your anger in order to heal. This is what it means to pick up our cross. Suppressing anger is dangerous. We have to educate ourselves and take care of our anger. We return to ourselves, our places of calm, and become present to it. (The first statement.) You can communicate to the person who angered you that you are suffering: I suffer. Please help. (The fourth statement.) Once you calmly tell the person that you are suffering and that you want help, you can let them know you are doing your best to take care of your suffering. When you ask for help when you are angry, it tells the other person that you are suffering and not just angry. They will see that suffering causes the anger, and then communication and healing can begin. (Sometimes, it is difficult to do when the person is far away or will not even answer a letter, phone call, or the door.)
Helping Each Other Suffer Less
When we have a rift or estrangement from another person, we both suffer. We still care about the person because the pain is deeper. Our greatest suffering comes from those we care about most deeply. We try to avoid it and cover it up because we are afraid of the suffering inside of us. We can pretend it is not there, but it is a big block.
Our suffering demands to be understood. Mindfulness helps us embrace suffering. We sometimes do not want to be in the same room with a person because we will suffer. With awareness, you can understand your own suffering and the other person’s suffering. Sometimes the other person doesn’t know how to handle their suffering and it comes out sideways, and you are the victim. Maybe the person doesn’t know any other way to act. He can’t understand and transform his suffering, and he makes people around him suffer too. He needs help, not punishment.
You can acknowledge the person’s difficulty in the relationship. Without acknowledgement, we cannot generate understanding and compassion, and we feel alienated. We can’t help.
Use the tools of compassionate communication (the deep listening and loving speech.) Say something like this:
“I know you are not feeling too happy right now.”
“In the past I did not understand your feelings, so I reacted in a way that made you suffer more, and that also made me suffer more. I wasn’t able to help you resolve the problems. I reacted angrily in a way that has made the situation worse.”
“It is not my intention to make you suffer. It is because I did not understand your suffering, and I did not understand my suffering either.”
“I understand my difficult feelings better now, and I also want to understand yours. Understanding your suffering, your difficulties will help me behave in a way that can be more helpful.”
“If you care for me, help me understand.”
“Tell me what is in your heart. I want to listen; I want to understand. Tell me about your suffering and your difficulties. If you don’t help me understand, who will?”
The words have to be your own. Ignatius tells people to pray for courage and energy. When you have the energy of compassion in your heart, your loving words will come to you naturally. When you are angry, it is nearly impossible to use loving speech. When understanding arises, compassion comes, and you can use loving speech without making much effort.
It takes courage to acknowledge difficulty in a relationship. You might think the other person will come to you eventually, but that may not happen. You can’t wait. Begin restoring communication by modeling open-hearted, compassionate dialogue.
The Suffering of Pride
A wrong perception can cause a lot of suffering. We live with some misperception and misunderstanding every day. We have to look into the nature of our perceptions. “Are you sure your perception is right?” Mindful communication has the potential to ease unnecessary suffering.
Reconciling in Families
Sometimes communication is hardest in our families because we share similar suffering and ways of responding to suffering. Our habit of dealing with our suffering is passed along to us by our parents and grandparents. Unless you understand your own suffering and reconcile with yourself, you will pass along your unhealthy ways of responding. You inherit the suffering of your parents. If your parent had a lot of suffering and was unable to handle and transform the suffering, it was most likely passed down to you. You are the continuation of your parents.
Mindfulness recognizes the energy that we put into our habitual responses (our immediate learned response to conflict) each time it arises, and you can embrace it with mindfulness, and then the habit energy is weakened. If we continue this, we can stop the cycle of transmission.
The suffering we received from our parents when we were children is probably our deepest suffering. We may even hate our parents, and whether they are still living or not, we will never reconcile with them. Mindfulness transforms and restores communication. The good news is reconciliation is possible.
Relationships with parents and siblings can be particularly difficult. Maybe there were deep wounds, and no one listened to them. Mindful communication can restore a relationship and allow one another to acknowledge one’s own and each other’s suffering.
A practice of breathing, walking, mindfulness in daily activities can help you return to yourself and learn how you feel. Listen to your own suffering and look deeply into its nature. This is crucial. Compassion arises and you can accept yourself. Then you have a chance to look at others. When you see the suffering in others, you begin to understand that there is a reason they suffer like that. You are no longer angry with them anymore because compassion arises. You become more peaceful, your mind is clearer, and you are motivated to say or do something to help others transform their difficulties. Reconciliation is possible.
Communicating in Long-term Relationships.
In long-term relationships, we think change is no longer possible. We think the other person should change and they won’t, and we give up hope. We have to stop judging. If we wait for the other to change, we will wait a long time. Therefore, it is better that we change.
Your partner’s behavior may irritate you, and you try to correct him, and he gets irritated and becomes unkind. You have to disentangle yourself from the unhappiness and go back to yourself, back to your peace, until you can handle the situation well.
Only when you are calm, invite your partner to speak. Apologize for not understanding her better, listen deeply even if what she says is complaining, reproachful, and unkind. You may learn that your partner has many wrong perceptions about you and the situation, but do not interrupt. Let her speak. Let her have a chance to speak out everything in her so she can feel listened and understood. When your partner speaks, breathe mindfully. Later on, you might have a chance to undo her misunderstanding. Little by little, in a skillful loving way, mutual understanding will grow.
Forget about truth. If your partner says something untrue, don’t interrupt and try to correct. He is trying to speak out his difficulty. Know that you have plenty of time. Perhaps you have been angry with one another for years and you have been stuck and you can’t change the situation. If you can understand your partner deeply, you can start to make peace. Loving, compassionate speech and deep listening are the powerful instruments for restoring communications.
Sometimes a negative environment doesn’t leave space for communication with ourselves. We have to feel safe and not vulnerable. Most times, people love each other and don’t try to intentionally hurt each other, and they don’t know how to communicate. If people need to divorce, they still suffer. You can’t take the other person out of you. The relationship still exists. The suffering continues.
The question is: can you focus on trying to understand each other using compassionate speech and deep listening, no matter what the outcome?
Mutual Understanding in Challenging Situations
Compassionate communication has the capacity to create mutual understanding and to make changes where people thought connection and communication impossible. It can transform situations where both parties are full of fear and anger.
One has to listen with deep compassion and not interrupt the person who is speaking about his or her suffering. If there are misperceptions, one is not to correct or interrupt. When one listens fully, the other can understand for the first time that the other person suffers, and it is much like their own. You can recognize the person as a human being just like them, who suffers similarly.
When you understand suffering, you feel compassion and suddenly you no longer fear or hate. They see acceptance in your eyes, and they suffer less. The fear that we both have is gone. When we are able to produce a compassionate thought, this thought begins to heal us, to heal the other, and to heal the world.
Peace Negotiations
When opposing parties come together to negotiate, they should not do it right away. Each group has a lot of doubt, anger, and fear, and negotiating is too much of a challenge when these strong emotions are present. The first part of negotiating should be about breathing, walking, sitting and calming. Then the groups may be ready to listen to each other and the desire and capacity for mutual understanding will be there.
Keeping it going
Every human communicates. We write, we speak. We also use facial expressions, our tone of voice, our physical actions, and the expression of our thoughts. A beautiful human can produce beautiful thoughts, speech, and actions. Every time we communicate, we produce more compassion, love, and harmony, or we produce more suffering and violence. It is what we leave as our legacy – what we express with our bodies, words, thoughts and intentions, and actions. You are what you do.
Thinking is already an action; it is a powerful energy. Every thought, every attitude will bring a fruit. Our speech is the second action and our bodily action is the third.
We are responsible for our thoughts, speech, and bodily actions. If I did something yesterday that was not right, I have the ability to change it today. We are creating all the time, and its effect is the outcome of our being.
Communication isn’t static. If we can’t change the past because someone has died, we can find a mindful way of bringing them into the community, asking for forgiveness, and making new resolutions.
We can produce a new thought. Today’s new thought may neutralize yesterday’s bad thought. Right communication today can help us heal the past, enjoy the present, and prepare the ground for a good future.
Practices for Compassionate Communication.
The phone or watch alarm
With so much automation, we can set a bell to remind us to breathe deeply three times before returning to our work.
Drinking Tea or Coffee
Make the time just to sit down, relax, and drink your tea or coffee. It does not have to be in front of a computer, on a phone, or texting. It is just you and the cup of coffee or tea.
Listening to your Inner Child
Be a parent to the inner child who is wounded. Speak tenderly to the child. Don’t run away from your suffering, but if you can comfort and console a young child, you have to skills to care for your own self in the same way.
Writing a Love Letter
Practice writing a compassionate letter to someone you love but pain separates you from this person. It is never too late to bring peace and healing to a relationship, even if the person is far away or deceased. You risk nothing by writing the letter. Perhaps later on, you might even want to send it.
Peace Treaties and Peace Notes
These two tools can help to heal anger and hurt in relationships. The Peace Treaty is a preventative tool, while the Peace Note aids in healing. You set the stage for a discussion and give it a few days before you meet to discuss the plans.
The Peace Treaty
Writing a Peace Letter
My dear,
I know you have suffered a lot over the past many years. I have not been able to help you – in fact, I have made the situation worse. It is not my intention to make you suffer. Maybe I’m not skillful enough. Maybe I tried to impose my ideas on you. In the past, I thought you made me suffer. Now I realize that I have been responsible for my own suffering.
I promise to do my best to refrain from saying things or doing things that make you suffer. Please tell me what is in your heart. You need to help me; otherwise it is not possible for me to do it. I can’t do it alone.
The Peace Treaty: The one who is angry
I, the one who is angry, agree to:
1. Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate the anger.
2. Not suppress my anger.
3. Practice breathing and taking refuge deep within myself.
4. Calmly, within twenty-four hours, tell the one who has made me angry about my anger and suffering, either verbally or by delivering a peace note.
5. Ask for an appointment later in the week (e.g, Friday evening) to discuss the matter more thoroughly, either verbally or by peace note.
6. Not say, “I am not angry. It is OK. I am not suffering. There is nothing to be angry about, at least not enough to make me angry.”
7. Practice breathing and looking deeply into my daily life – while sitting, lying down, standing, and walking – to see:
a. The ways I myself have been unskillful at times.
b. How I have hurt the person because of my unreflective habit energy.
c. How the strong seed of anger in me is the primary cause of my anger.
d. How the other person’s suffering, which waters the seed of my anger, is the secondary cause.
e. How the other person is only seeking relief from his or her own suffering.
f. That as long as the other person suffers, I cannot truly be happy.
8. Apologize immediately, without waiting until our appointment, as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9. Postpone the meeting if I do not feel calm enough to meet with the other person.
A Peace Treaty: By the one who caused the anger
I, the one who has made the other angry, agree to:
1. Respect the other person’s feelings, not ridicule him or her, and allow enough time for him or her to calm down.
2. Not press for an immediate discussion.
3. Confirm the other person’s request for a meeting, either verbally or by note, and assure him or her that I will be there.
4. Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself to see how:
a. I have seeds of unkindness and anger as well as unreflective habit energy to make the other person unhappy.
b. I have mistakenly thought that making the other person suffer would relieve my own suffering.
c. By making him or her suffer, I make myself suffer.
d. Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and without waiting until the meeting.
A Peace Note
Date:
Time:
Dear ______________________,
This morning/afternoon/yesterday, you said/did something that made me very angry. I suffered much. I want you to know this. You said/did: __________________________________
___________________________________________________.
Please let us both look at what you said/did and examine the matter together in a calm and open manner this Friday evening.
Yours, not very happy right now,
________-name-___________________
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