Keys to Compassionate Communication

Two Keys to Compassionate Communication

We communicate to be understood and to understand. The first key is: deep listening. The second key is: loving speech.

In ordinary life, we are anxious for others to understand us right away. We express ourselves but talking first doesn’t work. Deep listening precedes it. We need to be seen and heard and known. When we listen with compassion, we don’t get caught in judgment. Deep listening has the power to help us create a moment of joy.

Now is the Time to Listen Only

You cannot listen long, if you don’t practice mindfulness of compassion. Listening has one goal – to help the person suffer less.

The other person may say things that are full of wrong perceptions, bitterness, accusation, hurtful, and blaming. If we are not mindful, their words will set off in us: irritation, judgment, and anger, and we lose our capacity to listen. When compassion is kept alive, the seeds of anger and judgment in our hearts do not get fed.

You may not be at a point to continue listening. Say, “I want to listen to you when I’m at my best. Would it be alright if we continued tomorrow?”

We listen without interruption or correcting the other person. You have to take the time to look and see the suffering in the other person.

Be aware of the value of time. The conversations may be a series of listening. The person may say things based on prejudices and misunderstandings. Your job is not to correct, but to listen. You will later have the opportunity to offer some information that may alter his or her perceptions, but not now. Now is the time to listen only.

When we don’t know how to handle the suffering within us, we continue to suffer, and we make other people suffer. When others cannot handle their suffering, they become a victim of it. If we get enrolled in their suffering and its associated fear, anger, and judgment, we become the second victim.

Do I Understand You Enough?

If you want to make someone happy, ask, “Do I understand you enough?” Typically, we are afraid of speaking because we fear what we say will be misunderstood. People who suffer a lot are not able to tell us about their suffering inside.

Waiting has consequences. It may alienate or isolate. A person may end a friendship or commit suicide. One you see a block of suffering in another person, your anger towards them disappears.

Say, “I want to understand you more. I want to understand your difficulties. I want to listen to you because I want to love you.”

You may want to check to see if you’ve understood the other person. If communication and harmony exist, happiness and mutual understanding is there. Ask these questions routinely when there is no anger. It prevents anger from growing darker.

You might think you know a lot about a person because you see her every day. You don’t until you ask. We may not even know ourselves very well until we practice compassionate listening, with curiosity, and without judgment. With mindful breathing and compassionate listening, we expand our capacity to listen and we find greater connection with those we love.

When you see suffering in others, you want to help the person suffer less. Compassion is born.

Loving Speech

When we have to tell a person difficult news, we can speak the truth in a way that the other person can accept. When you speak, try to tell others about your suffering and their suffering. This is loving speech. We can use words that helps the person not be caught in misperceptions. Both hearer and speaker need mindfulness and skillfulness.

Your words can carry with it insight and understanding. With more understanding, you help the person suffer less and communication is more effective. You speak gently because you are willing to help.

We can use words the nourish ourselves and the other person. Your words convey only compassion and understanding. Your words inspire confidence and openness. This is generosity. This is Right Speech.

Wrong Speech

Suffering is brought about by wrong speech: unkind, untruthful, or violent words that lack openness and does not have understanding, compassion, or reconciliation at its base. Right speech conveys our insight and understanding. Speaking rightly heals us, and the one who hears our words feel wonderful.

Four Elements of Right Speech

We get accustomed to hearing speech that causes craving, insecurity, and anger, and we need to train ourselves to use loving speech.

1.     Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside-down.

If we think the truth is too shocking, we find a skillful and loving way to say it, but we have to respect the truth. Sometimes people tell the truth in a violent or attacking way, and this causes great harm, “I’m only speaking the truth.”

You need to tell the other person the truth so they do not feel threatened and so they can listen. Tell the truth in a loving and protective way. You don’t own the truth; you may have a biased perception, so tread carefully. Telling the truth is an art. Lying is dangerous and only causes harm.

Building a relationship on the truth is a solid base. Even the most skillful words cause pain, but pain can heal with the right words. The relationship has to last.

Suffering can be beneficial, and we can learn from it.

2.     Don’t’ exaggerate.

It takes you away from truth and trust in a relationship if you exaggerate. People stop believing in you. You might make something bigger than it is to justify and express anger.

3.     Be consistent, which means no double-talk. Your words need integrity.

Be true to your word and don’t change the content to suit your advantage.

4.     Use peaceful language rather than insulting words, cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation.

Refrain from speech that is violent, condemning, abusive, humiliation, accusing or judgmental.

The Four Criteria

1.     Speak the language of the world. Use the language people speak and the way they view matters.

2.     We may speak differently to different people, in a way that reflects how they think ad their ability to receive teaching. We may have to speak to each person differently and it is being sensitive to their situation. It is not double-speak. The content has to remain truthful so others can really hear what is being said.

3.     We give the right teaching according to person, time, and place, just as a doctor prescribes the right medicine for a disease. We share information in ways that people can integrate and use later. Tell the truth in a skillful way. Spread it out over time if you must. We are caught in our own views and we need a guide to move us forward.

4.     We teach in a way that reflects the absolute truth. These are profound truths. Whenever we need to say something that we know will be difficult for others to hear, we have to be humble and look more deeply to discover in what way we can talk about these things.

Speaking with these four criteria will help you to listen well and to express yourself effectively in everyday life. You will have a deep understanding of what is the truth in any given situation and how best to respond.

Listening deeply is attuning all your senses to looking deeply.

Help People Understand

Pause. Breathe first. Respond. You have to tell the truth, but in a way that you do not water the seeds of fear, anger, and vengeance. Each person thinks their perception is the truth. We must help people understand, and when they do, their anger lessens. We want their insight and compassion to increase.

Using Right Speech in Daily Life

Express non-discrimination, forgiveness, understanding, support, and love. It is liberating to write something using compassionate speech because it heals.

Wrong speech causes ill-being. Right speech brings about well-being and healing. Every day we can say something that has the capacity to heal and help people. We can relieve our suffering and that of others.