Six Statements of Loving Speech

Six Statements of Loving Speech.

When we have the impression that we are alone and without support, remember it is only a perception and it is not accurate. These six statements embody loving speech and let others know you see them, understand them, and care for them. Breathe in and out before you say the statement to yourself before you speak to the person in front of you. Our practice of deep listening is called upon: “Now is the time to listen only.”

Statement One: “I am here for you.”

This is the best gift you can give someone because your presence is important to the person. Jesuits say, “We are people with and for others.” To love someone means to be there for the person. Showing up is an art and a practice. Love is based on understanding, and your mind has to be in the “here and now” before you can love. You cannot love properly and deeply without being mindful of the other.

Statement Two: “I know you are there, and I am very happy.”

When you are truly in the “here and now,” you are in a position to recognize the other person. You are letting your loved one know that his or her presence is important to you. You really see the other person. To love means to be aware of the presence of your beloved one and to recognize that presence is something very precious to you. The statement reaffirms the presence of the other person as important to you. (The opposite is when someone ignores you. You don’t feel loved. If the person doesn’t pay attention to you or look at you, you don’t feel loved.)

Statement Three: “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”

This statement is used when a person is suffering, and it helps them suffer less immediately. You recognize that something is not going well with your friend or loved one, and your impulse is to do something to fix it. The trick is: you don’t need to do much. You just need to be there.

When you suffer and a loved one ignores your suffering, you suffer much more. If the person is aware of your suffering and offers presence in difficult moments, you suffer less right away.

Statement Four: “I suffer. Please help.”

Use this fourth statement when you suffer, and you believe the other person caused your suffering. When someone you love says something that feels critical or dismissive, you suffer deeply. If we don’t look deeply into our suffering and find compassion for ourselves and the other person, we want to punish the other person who hurt us. When we suffer, we think it is the other person’s fault for not appreciating us enough. Our actions are trying to say to the other person, “I don’t need you.”

When we suffer, we should tell others that we suffer and we need their help, but we do the opposite. It means we have to get over our pride.

If you don’t say the words, “I suffer. Please help,” you may sulk. We pretend not to suffer, and we deny the one who causes our suffering. We do not tell the truth because we don’t want them to know we suffer, but we are indeed suffering.

A longer version of the statement is, “I suffer. I want you to know about it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.” This is true love.

To break it down further, this statement has three parts:

1.     I suffer and I want you to know.

2.     I’m doing my best. (This might mean that I won’t say anything to damage myself or you. I’m looking into my suffering to examine its roots and I believe you have caused my suffering, but I know I should not be too sure about that. I’m looking to see if my suffering comes from a wrong perception on my part. Maybe you didn’t mean to say it or do it. I’m doing my best to look at my anger and to embrace it tenderly.)

(This second sentence invites the other person to practice looking deeply. Either person can apologize for being unskillful in communicating. It recognizes the other person is human and is doing his or her best and that we are doing our best as well.)

3.     Please help. We can’t figure it out on our own. We need each other.

Statement Five: This is a Happy Moment.

If we are with someone we care about, this statement brings about happiness. We are lucky, and conditions of happiness are around us. We have each other. It is possible to be happy here and now.

Statement Six: You are partly right.

We can use this statement when someone praises or criticizes us. I have weaknesses; I have strengths. If you praise me, I should not get puffed up; if you criticize me, I should not get lost in it.

When you see beautiful things in another person, you overlook those things that are not beautiful. Love makes the other person more perfect. You don’t want to become a victim of prideful illusion because you know you are not perfect. You preserve your humility.

If someone criticizes you, you tell them they are only partly right. I have positive things in me as well. Without judgment, you can investigate so you can improve.

The sixth statement preserves the truth. You don’t lie. You don’t fall into false humility. We accept others when we accept ourselves. Acceptance of reality doesn’t stop you from trying to improve. We accept the failings and success of others. When we don’t judge ourselves, we accept. When we don’t judge others, we accept.

Bringing Compassionate Communications to your Relationships

These statements improve relationships. They help people feel welcome with you and with themselves. Once the person finds a home within you, you can help the other person. You inspire confidence that you honor and respect the other person.

Keys to Compassionate Communication

Two Keys to Compassionate Communication

We communicate to be understood and to understand. The first key is: deep listening. The second key is: loving speech.

In ordinary life, we are anxious for others to understand us right away. We express ourselves but talking first doesn’t work. Deep listening precedes it. We need to be seen and heard and known. When we listen with compassion, we don’t get caught in judgment. Deep listening has the power to help us create a moment of joy.

Now is the Time to Listen Only

You cannot listen long, if you don’t practice mindfulness of compassion. Listening has one goal – to help the person suffer less.

The other person may say things that are full of wrong perceptions, bitterness, accusation, hurtful, and blaming. If we are not mindful, their words will set off in us: irritation, judgment, and anger, and we lose our capacity to listen. When compassion is kept alive, the seeds of anger and judgment in our hearts do not get fed.

You may not be at a point to continue listening. Say, “I want to listen to you when I’m at my best. Would it be alright if we continued tomorrow?”

We listen without interruption or correcting the other person. You have to take the time to look and see the suffering in the other person.

Be aware of the value of time. The conversations may be a series of listening. The person may say things based on prejudices and misunderstandings. Your job is not to correct, but to listen. You will later have the opportunity to offer some information that may alter his or her perceptions, but not now. Now is the time to listen only.

When we don’t know how to handle the suffering within us, we continue to suffer, and we make other people suffer. When others cannot handle their suffering, they become a victim of it. If we get enrolled in their suffering and its associated fear, anger, and judgment, we become the second victim.

Do I Understand You Enough?

If you want to make someone happy, ask, “Do I understand you enough?” Typically, we are afraid of speaking because we fear what we say will be misunderstood. People who suffer a lot are not able to tell us about their suffering inside.

Waiting has consequences. It may alienate or isolate. A person may end a friendship or commit suicide. One you see a block of suffering in another person, your anger towards them disappears.

Say, “I want to understand you more. I want to understand your difficulties. I want to listen to you because I want to love you.”

You may want to check to see if you’ve understood the other person. If communication and harmony exist, happiness and mutual understanding is there. Ask these questions routinely when there is no anger. It prevents anger from growing darker.

You might think you know a lot about a person because you see her every day. You don’t until you ask. We may not even know ourselves very well until we practice compassionate listening, with curiosity, and without judgment. With mindful breathing and compassionate listening, we expand our capacity to listen and we find greater connection with those we love.

When you see suffering in others, you want to help the person suffer less. Compassion is born.

Loving Speech

When we have to tell a person difficult news, we can speak the truth in a way that the other person can accept. When you speak, try to tell others about your suffering and their suffering. This is loving speech. We can use words that helps the person not be caught in misperceptions. Both hearer and speaker need mindfulness and skillfulness.

Your words can carry with it insight and understanding. With more understanding, you help the person suffer less and communication is more effective. You speak gently because you are willing to help.

We can use words the nourish ourselves and the other person. Your words convey only compassion and understanding. Your words inspire confidence and openness. This is generosity. This is Right Speech.

Wrong Speech

Suffering is brought about by wrong speech: unkind, untruthful, or violent words that lack openness and does not have understanding, compassion, or reconciliation at its base. Right speech conveys our insight and understanding. Speaking rightly heals us, and the one who hears our words feel wonderful.

Four Elements of Right Speech

We get accustomed to hearing speech that causes craving, insecurity, and anger, and we need to train ourselves to use loving speech.

1.     Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside-down.

If we think the truth is too shocking, we find a skillful and loving way to say it, but we have to respect the truth. Sometimes people tell the truth in a violent or attacking way, and this causes great harm, “I’m only speaking the truth.”

You need to tell the other person the truth so they do not feel threatened and so they can listen. Tell the truth in a loving and protective way. You don’t own the truth; you may have a biased perception, so tread carefully. Telling the truth is an art. Lying is dangerous and only causes harm.

Building a relationship on the truth is a solid base. Even the most skillful words cause pain, but pain can heal with the right words. The relationship has to last.

Suffering can be beneficial, and we can learn from it.

2.     Don’t’ exaggerate.

It takes you away from truth and trust in a relationship if you exaggerate. People stop believing in you. You might make something bigger than it is to justify and express anger.

3.     Be consistent, which means no double-talk. Your words need integrity.

Be true to your word and don’t change the content to suit your advantage.

4.     Use peaceful language rather than insulting words, cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation.

Refrain from speech that is violent, condemning, abusive, humiliation, accusing or judgmental.

The Four Criteria

1.     Speak the language of the world. Use the language people speak and the way they view matters.

2.     We may speak differently to different people, in a way that reflects how they think ad their ability to receive teaching. We may have to speak to each person differently and it is being sensitive to their situation. It is not double-speak. The content has to remain truthful so others can really hear what is being said.

3.     We give the right teaching according to person, time, and place, just as a doctor prescribes the right medicine for a disease. We share information in ways that people can integrate and use later. Tell the truth in a skillful way. Spread it out over time if you must. We are caught in our own views and we need a guide to move us forward.

4.     We teach in a way that reflects the absolute truth. These are profound truths. Whenever we need to say something that we know will be difficult for others to hear, we have to be humble and look more deeply to discover in what way we can talk about these things.

Speaking with these four criteria will help you to listen well and to express yourself effectively in everyday life. You will have a deep understanding of what is the truth in any given situation and how best to respond.

Listening deeply is attuning all your senses to looking deeply.

Help People Understand

Pause. Breathe first. Respond. You have to tell the truth, but in a way that you do not water the seeds of fear, anger, and vengeance. Each person thinks their perception is the truth. We must help people understand, and when they do, their anger lessens. We want their insight and compassion to increase.

Using Right Speech in Daily Life

Express non-discrimination, forgiveness, understanding, support, and love. It is liberating to write something using compassionate speech because it heals.

Wrong speech causes ill-being. Right speech brings about well-being and healing. Every day we can say something that has the capacity to heal and help people. We can relieve our suffering and that of others.